If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Why I ended my Peace Corps service early...

If the shoe doesn’t fit then walk away. For one person a shoe may fit magnificently. Maybe it is the right size and color with everything functioning properly. For another person maybe it is a size too small and the person must scrunch their toes in an extremely uncomfortable position while they walk. The first person simply cannot see how the second person could not like the shoes so they question why they are complaining. The second person ultimately decides that they will not buy the shoes. They do not fit and they are almost certain there are a pair in the world that will fit. I think you see where this is going.... 

Before you read on, I cannot emphasize enough how each volunteer's service is completely different. Between specific site locations, host families, how a certain community functions, Peace Corps neighbors, the country you are placed within, etc. It is completely different from one volunteer to the next. I can by no means generalize a Peace Corps service. All I can do is share my perspective based on my personal experience. I am more than happy to talk with anyone who has more questions or who is perhaps struggling with similar issues. 

I have written, deleted, and re-written my words on this rather serious life choice many times. In the end I simply thought, 'what the heck, just write what you think and feel?!' So, here it goes....

My health in Zambia seriously suffered from the moment I stepped off of the plane. I was  bombarded with more food poisoning than I could count; and living with an upset stomach and digestive issues almost every day. After seeking Peace Corps medical attention and testing, the issues continued. On the last stint of food poisoning, pricking myself several times to test for malaria; and struggling between the urge to vomit and needing the toilet in the same second (quite comical AFTER the fact), I decided this was too much for my body to undergo. With all of these sicknesses I felt extremely run down with low energy adding to my overall lack of motivation on a day-to-day basis. Not to mention I was unable to exercise in the same fashion I once thrived off of. 

We all know part of Peace Corps is about giving back to those around us. I was no different in this desire to give back in some small way. While I wouldn't say I was particularly idealistic before arriving, I perhaps expected more than what the realistic situation seemed to hold. As a community health volunteer a lot of my role was facilitating and teaching trainers to train and teaching the community about healthier ways to live (i.e sleeping under mosquito nets, using condoms, boiling water before drinking, etc.). As a volunteer I did not want to come in and ‘shove’ my ideas or projects on people (that’s not sustainable!) but instead be more of a facilitator and have local members lead. Unfortunately, I felt like an island working all alone, trying to encourage people who really weren't all that interested (or perhaps didn't have the time) to take it into their own hands. In other words, it was very difficult to find counterparts. Even though we were given decent training before being placed at our site, as volunteers we are basically ‘thrown out’ in the village with little to no structure or much follow-up support; in my opinion, which adds to the struggle. I started losing motivation and passion; things I previously loved about myself, and the lack of separation between work and home life was creating a frustrating dynamic. 

I was the only American for miles and miles. I was the only white person that many had ever seen or been friends with. The loneliness and isolation was beyond tough. While this struggle could have been mitigated through contact with other volunteers, I felt I was very rarely given the opportunity to see a person face to face who UNDERSTOOD me and where I was coming from. For some reason I had imagined cycling to my nearest volunteer weekly and having fantastic debriefs and chats. I did not have this whatsoever. To put it bluntly, I felt I had little to no support in terms of Peace Corps staff, location to other volunteers, etc. I was quite shocked by this actually (With that being said, Giant thank you to all my volunteer friends-I am beyond thankful for your friendship and support through this decision!). 

While health struggles, continuous failed projects/programs, and lack of support experienced individually would not have driven me to this decision; it was the combination of all of them that made me see my situation as needing a change. I lived and worked in Zambia for almost 9 months. Ultimately though, I came to the conclusion that it was not worth it to stay in Zambia for another 18 months. It was not worth what I felt I was lacking physically, mentally, emotionally and work-wise.

I think that volunteers all around the world are impacting communities and individuals each day. Did I impact my community positively? I don’t know. But perhaps in small ways such as persistently urging my host father to make his family use a toilet, or having a critical conversation with a 16 year old girl about why she should use family planning and one week later her telling me that she went to the clinic after our conversation. It’s the little things. Certainly there will be things I miss. I will miss the young girls in the village I would dance and laugh with, running around with my puppy (my family will take care of her), greeting my neighbors as I cycle throughout the villages, eating nshima with my hands and saying, "ndakuta' meaning 'I am satistfied' when I have finished. I will miss spending time with the health clinic staff and the very special Mutoloki family. I will miss the jokes and laughter we shared together. Those were true moments of joy. And I have the people of Zambia to thank for that. As much as I will miss things though, I am beyond excited for my future. I am truly looking forward to getting healthy again, exercising and eating fresh fruit and vegetables without fear of contamination. I am pumped to see how big and strong my nephews and niece are. I am looking forward to refreshing and keying in on my inner strength and passions once again. I also could not be more thankful for all the thoughtful words of encouragement and advice when I needed it from family and friends around the world. You know who you are. Also a giant thank you to everyone in Zambia who opened their homes to me, shared their food and laughter. Thank you to all....

Here are some quotes that aided me in my decision. Shout out to my Aussie sister Kate for some inspiration.

"Restoring the aliveness in out hearts may require us to release those things that don't support us on our path. The greatest transformations occur when something has been surrendered and space has been made for the new to enter."

"Those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." Robert Tew

Sometimes the best choice we can make is to stick our head out into the pouring rain and let it wash all over us in complete and absolute embrace.

And then, BEGIN AGAIN.