If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Why I ended my Peace Corps service early...

If the shoe doesn’t fit then walk away. For one person a shoe may fit magnificently. Maybe it is the right size and color with everything functioning properly. For another person maybe it is a size too small and the person must scrunch their toes in an extremely uncomfortable position while they walk. The first person simply cannot see how the second person could not like the shoes so they question why they are complaining. The second person ultimately decides that they will not buy the shoes. They do not fit and they are almost certain there are a pair in the world that will fit. I think you see where this is going.... 

Before you read on, I cannot emphasize enough how each volunteer's service is completely different. Between specific site locations, host families, how a certain community functions, Peace Corps neighbors, the country you are placed within, etc. It is completely different from one volunteer to the next. I can by no means generalize a Peace Corps service. All I can do is share my perspective based on my personal experience. I am more than happy to talk with anyone who has more questions or who is perhaps struggling with similar issues. 

I have written, deleted, and re-written my words on this rather serious life choice many times. In the end I simply thought, 'what the heck, just write what you think and feel?!' So, here it goes....

My health in Zambia seriously suffered from the moment I stepped off of the plane. I was  bombarded with more food poisoning than I could count; and living with an upset stomach and digestive issues almost every day. After seeking Peace Corps medical attention and testing, the issues continued. On the last stint of food poisoning, pricking myself several times to test for malaria; and struggling between the urge to vomit and needing the toilet in the same second (quite comical AFTER the fact), I decided this was too much for my body to undergo. With all of these sicknesses I felt extremely run down with low energy adding to my overall lack of motivation on a day-to-day basis. Not to mention I was unable to exercise in the same fashion I once thrived off of. 

We all know part of Peace Corps is about giving back to those around us. I was no different in this desire to give back in some small way. While I wouldn't say I was particularly idealistic before arriving, I perhaps expected more than what the realistic situation seemed to hold. As a community health volunteer a lot of my role was facilitating and teaching trainers to train and teaching the community about healthier ways to live (i.e sleeping under mosquito nets, using condoms, boiling water before drinking, etc.). As a volunteer I did not want to come in and ‘shove’ my ideas or projects on people (that’s not sustainable!) but instead be more of a facilitator and have local members lead. Unfortunately, I felt like an island working all alone, trying to encourage people who really weren't all that interested (or perhaps didn't have the time) to take it into their own hands. In other words, it was very difficult to find counterparts. Even though we were given decent training before being placed at our site, as volunteers we are basically ‘thrown out’ in the village with little to no structure or much follow-up support; in my opinion, which adds to the struggle. I started losing motivation and passion; things I previously loved about myself, and the lack of separation between work and home life was creating a frustrating dynamic. 

I was the only American for miles and miles. I was the only white person that many had ever seen or been friends with. The loneliness and isolation was beyond tough. While this struggle could have been mitigated through contact with other volunteers, I felt I was very rarely given the opportunity to see a person face to face who UNDERSTOOD me and where I was coming from. For some reason I had imagined cycling to my nearest volunteer weekly and having fantastic debriefs and chats. I did not have this whatsoever. To put it bluntly, I felt I had little to no support in terms of Peace Corps staff, location to other volunteers, etc. I was quite shocked by this actually (With that being said, Giant thank you to all my volunteer friends-I am beyond thankful for your friendship and support through this decision!). 

While health struggles, continuous failed projects/programs, and lack of support experienced individually would not have driven me to this decision; it was the combination of all of them that made me see my situation as needing a change. I lived and worked in Zambia for almost 9 months. Ultimately though, I came to the conclusion that it was not worth it to stay in Zambia for another 18 months. It was not worth what I felt I was lacking physically, mentally, emotionally and work-wise.

I think that volunteers all around the world are impacting communities and individuals each day. Did I impact my community positively? I don’t know. But perhaps in small ways such as persistently urging my host father to make his family use a toilet, or having a critical conversation with a 16 year old girl about why she should use family planning and one week later her telling me that she went to the clinic after our conversation. It’s the little things. Certainly there will be things I miss. I will miss the young girls in the village I would dance and laugh with, running around with my puppy (my family will take care of her), greeting my neighbors as I cycle throughout the villages, eating nshima with my hands and saying, "ndakuta' meaning 'I am satistfied' when I have finished. I will miss spending time with the health clinic staff and the very special Mutoloki family. I will miss the jokes and laughter we shared together. Those were true moments of joy. And I have the people of Zambia to thank for that. As much as I will miss things though, I am beyond excited for my future. I am truly looking forward to getting healthy again, exercising and eating fresh fruit and vegetables without fear of contamination. I am pumped to see how big and strong my nephews and niece are. I am looking forward to refreshing and keying in on my inner strength and passions once again. I also could not be more thankful for all the thoughtful words of encouragement and advice when I needed it from family and friends around the world. You know who you are. Also a giant thank you to everyone in Zambia who opened their homes to me, shared their food and laughter. Thank you to all....

Here are some quotes that aided me in my decision. Shout out to my Aussie sister Kate for some inspiration.

"Restoring the aliveness in out hearts may require us to release those things that don't support us on our path. The greatest transformations occur when something has been surrendered and space has been made for the new to enter."

"Those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." Robert Tew

Sometimes the best choice we can make is to stick our head out into the pouring rain and let it wash all over us in complete and absolute embrace.

And then, BEGIN AGAIN. 

Mud, brick and concrete....Home Sweet Home

After a day of socializing, collecting water, attempting to speak the local language and cycling, my hut is a place of desire. In fact, it is not only a place of desire for me but also for spiders, lizards, ants, an array foreign insects, and my personal favorite-mice (not!). My home has undergone many changes since I have first arrived. My hut was deemed under Peace Corps regulation size so a few local community members built another room out of brick, mud, sand, and concrete. I even received a tin roof rather than grass which was an added bonus to detract termites and other creatures. It was quite the process, taking over three months while I was living in the already existing section of the hut. I cherish this new room. Some have even called it a ‘posh corps’ home suggesting it is very ‘fancy and luxurious.’ Ha! It is not actually fancy but in terms of  Peace Corps village living I would say it is quite nice. 

My hut upon first arrival

Setting the foundation for new room 

Building away

Semi-finished product...Yay!

Bathing shelter upon arrival

New bathing shelter

My newly constructed room used as a sitting room

My second room used as a kitchen

My bedroom: I sleep under a mosquito net at night (also helpful for other potential rodents and bugs!)

Living quarters and bathing shelter. Picture taken in rainy season when everything is exceptionally green.

Remember: Home is the place we love best and grumble the most. ;)

Keep Calm and Cook On

“Do you have maize where you come from, Mutinta?”

As I am asked what I eat in America, I come to realize that it is a foreign concept to have a myriad of food options at every meal. In Zambia, the staple food is nsima. Nsima consists of ground up maize (corn) into a substance called ‘mealy meal.’ Nsima is made by boiling a pot of water and slowly adding mealy meal until it becomes a thick porridge type substance. In the village the pot is often gigantic in order to feed many family members. On my family’s compound there are often over 16 people at one time eating the same meal. The few times I have tried to ‘stir’ the substance I have found it to even be a bit of an arm workout ;) After the nsima is cooked, it is then scooped into medium sized oval shapes and covered with a plate while the relish; also known as ‘side’ of the meal is cooked. A very common relish cooked in the village is called, “chisu chabuntele.” Chisu chabontele consists of pounded groundnuts mixed with a vegetable such as pumpkin leaves, rape (leafy greens), cabbage or any other vegetable accessible. For most families in the village, meat is a rarity and eaten only on special occasion. Meat is expensive and families tend to save their cattle for work. Some families have chickens but these are small in number. From observation is seems as though people intend to conserve some of their food stock resources in case of intense desperation and hunger season. 

Step 1: Prepare fire using firewood or charcoal 

Step 2: Gather mealy-meal (pounded maize) to mix with boiling water

Step 3: Mix mealy-meal with boiling water

Step 4: Form small ball of nsima in right hand

Step 5: Use nsima to scoop the relish

Step 6: Bring to mouth and ENJOY!

Most rural Zambians are subsistence, small scale farmers with their main crop being maize. The next most prevalent food source grown is groundnuts, beans, and vegetables such as cabbage, pumpkin leaves and a leafy green called rape. Hot season occurs August-October where preparing and planning for farming take place. When the second heavy rain falls Zambians begin to plant their maize and various crops and continue working in the field until April. If there is hunger in the village setting this typically occurs during the rainy season because a family was perhaps unable to store enough maize, vegetables, and sources of proteins for the entire season. This can be common when the rain happens later than expected. The final season takes place from April-July during the cold season when the harvest is ready.

The Pecking Order

When eating takes place, men, women and children are separated accordingly. Within my family it is usual that my Ba taata; or host father, has his own table and is served first. The next people to eat are the boys of all ages in the family. They typically use stools to sit while eating. The last to eat are the women and girls. The women and girls sit on the ground in a circle with the large bowls of nsima and relish in the middle. When eating, people will simply share the pots and bowls, dipping their hands in the nsima bowl, forming a small ball in their hand and then using this ball to scoop the relish from the other bowl.

I have been in many situations where the men have been served something viewed as special and the women must wait many minutes and are often given a different food. For example, this past week I visited my host family’s extended family and was bombarded by this food pecking order. After socializing for many minutes, the men were served nsima and chicken. Because I am a foreigner and white (yes, I think the color of my skin matters here and there is no denying this fact) I am typically served with the men. It is a strange feeling to be served while I watch my host mothers simply watch knowing very well that on our walk to this place one mother was mentioning how hungry she was. At times it makes me feel guilty. After about 40 minutes we were then brought a large bowl of a commonly eaten main dish called, ‘msoya.’ Msoya is cooked maize kernels that is rather chewy. At this point the women and the men can eat this together in the same area; the women sharing one bowl using their individual spoons and the men having their own individual bowl and spoon.

Host father eating with individual 'table'

Girls and women circled around nsima and relish ready to eat

If you're looking for a Zambian afternoon snack: Try nswa-insects packed with protein that tastes like popcorn when baked ;) 

Cultural Fun Fact

In Zambian culture it is considered rude to refuse food. The proper response is to try at least a bit of whatever is being offered. 

Water is Life

America: Wake up, walk down the stairs, turn the faucet on and fill a glass full of deliciously fresh tasting water. After gulping this down I decide to take a shower. Stepping into the tub, I turn the knob and all at once there is a fountain of warm water above my head engulfing my body. Shortly later I begin a load of laundry by placing clothes in a machine, turning the button and waiting until it is filled with water, sloshed around with soap and deemed clean. Next, I open the sliding glass door to water my garden. I rotate the red knob and the hose is filled with cool feeling water, ready to drown the plants in hydration. 

Rural Zambia: I wake to find that I have no clean, safe drinking water. I feel parched. Quickly I head outside my hut, strap on two 20 liter jerry cans to the rack of my bike and cycle about 500 meters to the nearest source of water. When I arrive at the hand pump there is a line of children and women attempting to pump water using the strength of their arms to move the metal lever up and down. The child pumps and pumps until there is no water left. Exhausted, she sits down waiting for the hand pump’s pipes and groundwater to restore itself and collect more water. Filling one 20 liter jug can up to 15 minutes during the hot season when there is less water below the ground. As I count the number of empty buckets and jerry cans positioned on the concrete slab I begin to realize THIS is how I will spend my morning. I will be waiting here for about 1 hour. My throat tingles at the thought of ice cold water that would have previously been so convenient in my ‘luxurious’ American lifestyle. Many minutes later, I am pumping my water for my very own water jugs. Once these are full I tie a citenge (cloth used for basically everything including daily dress for women) and carefully manage to pick up both jugs and place perfectly on my bike rack so there is balance and harmony. Upon arrival at my site I measure out 5 liters of water, pour this into a large bucket and then proceed to place 10 drops of chlorine into the large bucket. I wait thirty minutes. After these thirty minutes have passed I then pour the 5 liters of water into my Peace Corps issued water filter where the internal candles are meant to catch any loose particles or impurities. Once the water is filtered through I am then able to pour it into my clean Nalgene bottle and drink.

Jerry jugs strapped onto my bike

I fill five liters from the yellow jug into the silver container

I chlorinate the water using this dropper

My Peace Corps issued water filter

Dirty candles within the filter

'Clean' candles after a thorough tooth brushing

As you can imagine, the process for anything water related is similar to this in rural Zambia. ‘Taking a shower’ involves heating water (when I am feeling especially ambitious), pouring water into a bucket where I then use a pitcher to ‘scoop’ the water onto my body like a waterfall. Washing clothes involves two buckets; one filled with soapy water and the other filled with plain water. Any activity that involves water here takes at least 3 times as long as in the developed world. Tasks involving water require mindful incorporation into an individual’s daily schedule. 

Attempting to wash my clothes...

Water sources throughout my community

Many individuals must travel long distances (up to 6km) on foot in order to reach the nearest borehole. Fortunately, Peace Corps has issued me my very own bicycle in which I use to transport my water. It is a luxury to have a bicycle in the village. Instead, most people; women specifically, are traveling on foot and proceed to carry the buckets of water on their head (a sight I am still amazed by). I have been told on many occasions that many children at times must actually miss school because they are fetching water for their families that is very far in distance. As you may guess, this is usually the girl child; another struggle within gender disparities found here.

The main water sources of water for those living my community are shallow hand-dug wells and boreholes to utilize the groundwater available. There is a major shortage of boreholes and clean water sources for community members. In fact, many of these boreholes are not protected from animals causing another health concern. Those who are not using hand pumps are using streams or dams which are typically even more contaminated and unhealthy. Due to the fact that many families do not boil or treat their water with chlorine before drinking (many cannot afford chlorine and/or do not see the necessity of boiling before drinking) it is apparent that some of the largest health concerns in my community stem from poor water quality and sanitation.   

Diarrhea, coughing, sneezing, common colds, and other diseases/illnesses easily passed on through lack of clean water and poor sanitation are very prevalent throughout my community.

You may be asking, “Does the Zambian government have regulations for water sources in the rural areas?” The answer to such a question; as well as other health related matters in terms of government policies, is often a bit slippery. One area that is seen as a priority is water availability at the local schools. At each school there is a borehole that provides the school children with water throughout the school days. While water sources at schools are a major priority for the district, there are often areas that are overlooked for a myriad of reasons. The district ministry of health is ‘supposed’ to monitor the availability to clean water sources in all areas but this is often overlooked or not deemed a true health concern pressing enough to take action upon immediately. Boreholes/hand pumps are needed in many areas in my community but unfortunately the district cannot afford to construct these everywhere. There is a process whereby if a community can raise about 1/3 of the amount it takes to complete the borehole, then the district (or another NGO) will come into the community and build the structure. The problem here is many villages are not willing or unable to contribute such funds. Some people in the village may see their water source as an issue but are not willing to give a small amount or work together as a community to raise the funds for such a construction. Of course people do not have an endless amount of money in remote villages, but there are have been a handful of villages in my community that have raised the funds (perhaps each family setting aside a small amount each month to contribute) demonstrating that it is possible. Personally, I like this approach; perhaps I am biased because I am working in sustainable development. When organizations; or even the government, simply come in and hand out ‘free’ things to the community and villages it often makes villagers dependent and reliant on outside help whereas when people here in the community take ownership of their own projects it often empowers them to continue to maintain their projects or programs thus making them less dependent on outside sources-the goal of Peace Corps!

My closest hand pump/borehole

There is no protection around the water source preventing animals from coming near and defecating 

View leading to my water source

One of the many dams people use as their source of drinking water. Take note of the cattle surrounding the dam.

Water is a precious resource

If I have learned anything from staying in a rural African village with water issues, it is that safe and clean running water should not be undervalued. It should not be wasted either. All beings that exist on this earth survive through water. As humans, we are using water constantly whether it is for cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and dishes, bathing, work, farming, or drinking. Water rules our existence. I think it is worthwhile to think of how much water we consume on a regular basis by asking ourselves questions such as, ‘what do we use water for and how much are we using?’

A human can survive for more than three weeks without food. Without water a human an only survive about 3 or 4 days. 

In Chitonga we say, “meenda abuumi.” In other words, water is life and should be handled with care.

And......Just for kicks and giggles...

My road block each day ;)

Work hard, be kind and remember to play

For the past six months I have been on what some might call 'Peace Corps probation.' The first three months were spent training and living with a host family. The second three month period was spent in a time called, 'community entry' where volunteers are not technically allowed to travel outside of their district or the country. Needless to say, I was itching to MOVE. After two weeks in the capital of Zambia 6 volunteers and I decided to trek to the famous Lake Malawi. Malawi is the country to the east of Zambia and known for possessing this gorgeous lake. We spent the week relaxing on the beach (exposing body parts that hadn't daylight in MONTHS), kayaking, hiking around, boating, and dancing (of course). It was a much needed break. As a Peace Corps volunteer we are given a total of about 42 days throughout our service but this does not include holidays which give us a bit more time. We are also given four cultural days every three months that can be used to travel to Victoria Falls and engage in cultural exchange and learning throughout the country. 

Happy Holidays to friends and family around the world!